Chapters
by Lehamsandwich
Summary: Anders recalls bits and pieces of his and Hawke's life, romance, and fights all while struggling with Justice terrorizing his life and thoughts. Suddenly things just aren't that easy as they one were. Cannon appearance f!Hawke.
1. Chapter 1

It all began with her eyes. Startling, electric blue eyes.

She had come in looking for some maps, but his senses went wild as he felt the threat of possible power. But yet she posed no threat except for the threat of her bringing him to his knees they felt so weak when he looked at her.

But as he regained his composure, he felt her eyes bore into his core and his blood run cold.

They were so startling and so sharp, but at the same time, relaxed and amused.

But the way she looked at him ignited something he hadn't felt in years.

And for her, something she felt for the first time.

This woman was something else to her. Something different. . Spoke in such a mock, always a clever comment without hesitation, but that was the first time he fell in love with her humour, her voice.

She never was able to quite grasp feelings, and was only able to offer a belittling smirk and a bit of wit to show a bit of opinion.

But maker, even if she complained, no one listened like Hawke did.

Which was good because someone with the passion Anders had needed someone who could listen.

And as he put up his guard and insisted that Karl was the only way for Hawke to achieve the maps, was the first time she fell in love with his passion.

It drove her own passion and desire as he pushed her further to become champion.

It also drove her passion to be rid of his awful manifestos.

But the thing Marian fell in love with most was the smile. Like a young school girl for the first time she gained a crush, she became smitten with Anders' smile.

It was so rare but so beautiful.

His eyes crinkled and those crows feet around his eyes became more apparent as the light of the fire reflected and danced off his eyes.

It was so odd how it made him look older but so much...more free , so much more open.

And as she laid, back against her sister later that night, she could see it if she closed her eyes.

He smiled.

He smiled for her.

He loved every morning. Before Justice would be terrorizing his thoughts, Anders buried his face into his lover's pillow where her lingering scent was left.

She always was an early riser which admittedly was not quite top on the list of the things he loved about her due to her opinion that once Hawke was up, everyone else should be too. But Anders did love getting to smell that before turning on his side and getting a view of lovely toned naked ass.

And to think that once he thought that he'd only get close enough to smell it once.

It had been so beautiful without a cloud in the sky when Hawke requested assistance on a mission.

And the rest of the day, it remained that beautiful.

Unfortunately for them though, it took a turn for the worse as they made their way back and Anders who wore robes got soaked. And Hawke was lacking in spirits, often making bitter remarks and curses.

"Lovely weather! I say we go home and ask mother to pack us a picnic basket!"She yelled to him over the rain one of her more memorable remarks as they made their way to Gamlen's through Lowtown.

Perhaps at another time, Anders would have appreciated the humour , however he was freezing, the robes were sticking to him and making his skin itch, and the wind whipped his wet hair in his face, even more so blocking his vision.

And what would be waiting for him at home? A hardly functioning fire and patients.

And worse off, no beautiful raven haired Fereldine.

As they were nearing closer and closer to her house, which Anders was dreading knowing that the fire there would tease him as she stepped in, but for once fate was working in his favour.

From where he stood, he could make out Hawke coming towards him with her jaw firmly set and eyebrows furrowed as she forcefully grabbed his wrist with a firm grip and lead him inside.

And maker was that fire glorious.

Both their eyes scanned over for company and both let their ears perk up for signs of communication before silently agreeing that it was clear that the only two there were them.

Hawke glanced over to him and sniffed a bit as the cold and water made her nose run.

"Sit by the fire. I'm going to get you some clothes. I feel a healer who only makes people sicker would be problematic."She urged and went to go search for any bit of clothing that would be suitable for him. But Anders couldn't help but feel nausea at the probability of the male who had ownership of the clothing.

"...Gamlen's clothes?"Anders finally managed out the thought that was festering inside his head and gut.

"Gamlen? Maker no! I mean, unless you like the smell of cheap whore perfume mixed with vomit and even cheaper liquor. I hear it's all the rage with women here in Kirkwall!"Hawke's lip curled in disgust as she spoke although her voice did show the fact it was an idea she'd entertain. He really hoped it wasn't.

"That's kind, but the only 'sexual' contact I've had with women in Kirkwall is delivering their babies and curing the...uh...how do I put this...unsavoury aftermath of random sexual encounters with men."Anders busied himself with removing his clothing, basking in the warmth of the fire.

"Ooh! Tell me more! Do they wallow in shame or are they perhaps trying to cozy up to you? Is this your way of making me jealous?"She chortled as she returned to him with some clothing.

Anders gingerly picked the shirt up, inspecting it until he noticed the embodied name in the back of the collar thanks to Leandra.

Anders ran his thumb over the fabric feeling the 'C' and 'E' as the name of Hawke's fallen brother registered in his head.

"Hawke are you...sure?"He asked cautiously, hoping she wasn't sore about it.

"Mmh, well I'm not sure to be honest. Carver was always very spiteful, he may have haunted that shirt. Perhaps it's best you remain naked."Hawke disappeared back into her room, shaking her head.

Anders cracked a bit of smile, unable to tell if she was bitter or just a smart ass, however, was grateful for the clothes none the less.

He began to pull the shirt over his head,to notice that there was a ...smell...a rather pleasant one at that.

This smell of ivory soap was a paradise compared to the nauseating smell of Gamlen.

And it was a rather womanly smell at as Anders watched Hawke moved one room to another, he was certain that in those hips, there was definitely a woman there. And from that day on had vivid images of how those hips would writhe under his.

He had later discovered that she slept with it as a reminder of Carver and so he could protect her in his sleep. But as soon as he moved in, she didn't have as much of an issue parting with it to gift it to Leandra.

She needed it more than Hawke anyway. Even if Hawke's scent took over Carver's.

But she only achived that smell through her bathing every night and morning to remove the filth of blood, sweat, and dirt.

He had made the mistake on more than one occasion of feeling a sense of pride in his chosen partner or even to really just show off the fact that she was his and would turn to go kiss her until he saw the blood dry in her hair, and on her face smeared around by sweat.

Which ended with Anders forcing a smile and trying and search for something to say to get him out of that kiss.

Maker be damned though, he'd make up for it. She'd make sure of it. Just because she was strong and fearless on the outside, didn't mean she couldn't be a bit of a girl when it was just them.

In fact, it was a sense of safety as Hawke feared something would happen any second and Anders would be taken just as quickly as her family was, causing Hawke to always act very affectionate towards him at home and always close to his side.

Justice wasn't ever pleased by it, and she could feel it, but Anders liked the attention.

And to be perfectly fair, technically Hawke wasn't in a relationship with Justice.

Maybe it was because she fell so in love with those kisses since the first one. When he kissed her like she had never been kissed before, when she felt something for the first time.

When all those years of pent up desire and hunger were released for only a few brief seconds.

And it was so wonderful.

Because of the way he looked at her when they parted, no not even that, the way he held her with a fierce strength was the first time she ever felt so wanted.

With reassurance, she was able to convince him that she wanted him too. She wanted every last part of him, the good and the bad.

And for a brief moment he didn't push her away, he didn't deny what he wanted just because it didn't suit Justice, he cupped her face in his hands and stared down at her before kissing her a little less...harshly.

"You don't want this..."He told her as logic set in. He felt her scoff against his lips as he felt her nails against the back of his neck, just slightly digging in.

"Yes I do."Was all she said before he managed to pull away as abruptly as the kiss started.

This was so wrong, he would hurt her, and she'd only be left broken hearted and the thought of her hurting...no... He couldn't. He couldn't dare. She was the one bright light in Kirkwall, he wouldn't be the one to put it out. No...he'd do better then that, he wouldn't dare let anyone put it out.

So if this is what she wanted, he'd give in.

"I'll be coming by your house tonight, if you aren't there I'll know you've finally taken my warning."He said and then the conversation was done. No negotiations. He didn't even give her the chance to argue that she had known that she wanted him three years ago. Why couldn't he understand or even just listen?

For once Marian swallowed her pride and looked at him as she felt Justice's growing impatience of her intruding presence. And with her hips sashaying she left without another word she left. She had waited three years, what damage could a few more hours cause?

But there was a thought nagging in the back of her head. What was so special about this man to make her wait just because he said so?

She had the smile, she had the money, and the way his eyes followed her was a lovely reassurance she had ass so why him?

Was it the look he got on his face when he saw her? It had been a long time since someone looked at her that way with joy and excitement. Where it felt like he knew her for so much longer than he did and knew everything there was to her.

Plus Isabela did say he did a...lovely trick with electricity.

And he was gifting her with the opportunity.

Perhaps she could find someone else? Someone who wouldn't push her away. But could she find someone who looked at her that way and shared so much vulnerable raw hurt and emotion?

Someone who loved her for everything she had and daresay...thought she was beautiful?

It had to be him. It had to be crazy, passionate, angry Anders.

And all that passion and craziness and anger wasn't even a bit of a turn off for her.

"Wake up sleepy head! We need to get a move on so people can bother me with their problems!"She announced to steal him from his revelry as he watched her firm ass squeeze into her underclothes with great fascination. It was such a beautiful sight to behold that his mind went blank until she walked close and sat on the bed in only the scantily clad underwear and smiled down at him and he in response ran his thumb over her warrior scars until his hand trailed to her upper rib.

"Is it hot in here or is it me?"She aimlessly vocalized and pushed some of her hair out of her eyes.

"Perhaps both. I think your just excited to see me."He replied and gripped her breasts, applying pressure until her hard nipples pressed against his palms. This made him grin a bit for the simple life pleasure.

Really this is all he needed, her nearly naked and ten minutes. Just ten.

"I think we can be a bit late~. Just try and be quite. I'd rather hate for Sandal to come and explore and mysterious noises."She purred as she sat on his stomach and groaned in pleasure towards the friction of his hands and her breasts. He did make lovely use of that electricity trick.

"Justice does not approve of my obsession with you." His words rung in her ears along with her heart beat filled full of excitement and nerves. She was just so thrilled, so over-joyed to have him by her side and maybe not condescending her.

He took a step forward and slyly let the corners of his mouth ever so slightly turn upward and Hawke let herself step a bit closer, relaxing her shoulders a bit as he continued to speak.

"It's one of the things he and I disagree on."Anders added and took notice of her eyes watching him, hiding behind bangs and thick eyelashes that fluttered when he spoke. It made him wonder, how could something that put him at so much peace cause so many nerves at the same time? It was so odd how they were so calming, reassuring with clear adoration, yet at the same time they bore right into him as they saw and noticed everything.

"If you hadn't come, I'd be out looking for you."She said a bit abruptly to cut the tension that was starting to creep around. But it was in vain as there still was hesitation and silence as they searched for words that were so out of reach but so close. Anders strangely found comfort in the pregnant silence they had created and comfort as he found himself emerged in watching the flames of the fire.

"Are you sure you want me here?"He asked and let his gaze flicker back onto hers which was unmoving. She didn't even take a second to search for the words.

"Of course, you're the one I love."

"When I was in the circle love was only a game,"He made his way closer to her, searching for the right words to use under the circumstance."It gave the templars to much power if there was something you couldn't stand to loose." He spoke unconfidently, almost as if she would reject him just as quickly as the romance escalated earlier today.

"It would kill me to loose you."Anders confessed as he made his turn away to hide for a brief second the expression of painful and bitter anger with his jaw clenched as he thought of Karl. He was this shell of the man that Anders once said brought him joy. But what had been left? It certainly wasn't joy. And what was the assurance that it wouldn't repeat with Hawke?

"You aren't going to loose me."She assured and closed the space he had briefly opened.

"No mage I've ever known has dared to fall in love..."Anders' hand found it's way to her face and gently cupped it as if he'd break her.

Hawke stared eagerly with her breath hitched and her stomach in her throat. He wanted her. No more lonely nights where she had to pretend to feel him, no more sitting alone, he wanted her.

"This is the rule I'll most cherish breaking." Their faces gravitated towards each other slowly until their lips met in a tender kiss. Everything about each other was so new and enticing, the way they had been feeling for years just couldn't be expressed.

Hawke looked at him with lust written on her face as she took Anders by the hand and pulled him to the bed where she fell back. Without realizing it, his hand went to the back of her neck to almost catch her and she looked up at him with a smile as the feel of him on top of her set in.

She brushed her fingers through his hair until they found the elastic that kept his hair back and let it loose.

He didn't look that much more different, maybe a bit less tense and more easy-going, but she liked it. It was new. Hawke could help but stare until he became self conscious and kissed her again.

In Anders favour though, she was not self conscious and didn't hesitate to sit, propping herself up against the pillows with her eye brows slightly raised in a dare or challenge to meet what she was doing.

He hardly moved as he watched in curiosity and well recognized that look she wore on her face as if she was challenging someone to a battle.

Her fingers brushed down to the end of her shirt and bunched the fabric in her hands until it revealed pale scarred stomach.

Anders moved forward in anticipation, not daring to look away even though Justice was insisting to take her and get it done and over with. No no no. This was the first time he ever really felt such a strong desire for someone, this wouldn't be a quick fifteen minutes between the sheets.

Hawke continued to raise her blouse until it reached to her collar bone and then over her head to which she carelessly threw to the side.

Anders felt his breath hitch and his heartbeat pumping throughout his body as he felt torn between the primal instinct to admire and cherish the rather perky and creamy breasts he had been presented with or to be a gentleman and admire the way the fire flickered off her eyes.

In the end he chose breasts, deciding that he would have PLENTY of opportunities to stare at her eyes and unfortunately not as many opportunities to gape at the maker's beautiful gift he bestowed to her chest. Sure they weren't huge, but they were a lovely size and they fit so lovely on her body, making her appear a bit more curvy.

"May I?"Anders requested and uncomfortably cleared his throat as he waited for her response. Hawke grinned and gave a nod.

It had been such a long time since he had felt breasts that it was almost as if he forgot the sensation altogether. What a shame because this was a blissful wake up call to what he had been missing.

They were so warm and soft, and her legs slightly jerked open every time he pressed at her nipples with some pressure from his thumbs. But it was the look on her face that he enjoyed the most. Even if he was clumsily fumbling around a bit he was so excited, it did provide pleasure and the way she bit her lip with a grin showed it.

Anders continued to contently play and rub her breasts as if he were a depraved teenage boy for quite a bit until Hawke's frustration got the better of her. She took a hold of his shoulders and with her warrior's strength she pushed him onto his back and sat on his stomach whilst pinning his wrists down. Although he couldn't help but feel upset his quality time had been interrupted, he had to admit that this was quite a turn on and he at least got to stare at her boobs.

With a deep growl from Hawke, Anders felt some heat removed from his upper body as his coat was removed and to his nerve wracking horror, layers of clothes. He wasn't exactly in his once proud physique. One, he was a mage, what was the point of building strength and muscle when he'd never use it, and two, he never had the chance to even if he wanted to with the clinic.

Anders couldn't help but bite his lip as his upper body was revealed and he felt her heavy gaze studying him. His stomach which was once firm had sagged a bit and had brought out his hipbones and for Hawke's viewing pleasure, a treasure trail of dirty blonde pubic hair that trailed from upper abdomen. True he wasn't quite muscular, and maybe a bit flabby, but she liked it. His fingers were quite marvellous anyway. He did have an stench to him though, that she would have to see to another time that she wasn't so aroused.

His hands ran up her thighs and then gripped her hips and felt his stomach flip as the sensation of hairless flesh set it and herself becoming engulfed with the feeling of how warm his hands were and the sense of protection as he held her. Sure he put her in danger but hell, as long as he was by her side, he'd protect her. Not that Hawke needed it, but still, the feeling of someone who would do it was nice. The last time someone who had took that serious of a vow was years ago and that person was her father.

Anders was determined to prove with all the passion and fury in him that he was just as worthy as Hawke's father of the trust she'd return.

"Hawke...I..."He began before one rough calloused finger pressed to his lips.

"Marian."She corrected and allowed the finger to slide down to his chest where it ran through his chest hair.

"Marian,"He grinned a bit at the word"You're stunning." He complimented, still a bit giddy at the taste of the word.

Hawke attempted to think of something witty, something funny...but for once there wasn't anything that could be said. Besides, the story was bound to get back to Varric somehow. Hawke was confident in his ability to stay true to her personality. Even if her body was certain to have embellishments.

While Hawke slipped into her thoughts about the matter, Anders took the opportunity to guide her to roll onto her back off of him to where reality would continue. Not that Hawke minded.

Her hips raised with her ankles firmly digging into the bed for support in order for her to remove the final two garments to Anders delight. Three years worth of dreams couldn't had even prepared him for this. Nothing could and he had a feeling that even promiscuous young Anders would fall under the naked raven haired beauty's spell.

She had a lovely musk hidden under a forest of curls that matched the same shade of hair on her head.

But it wasn't just that, no no no.

She smiled.

She casted this wicked wicked smile when she smiled at him with her cheeks flushed in heat and lust. It truly was a sight to behold.

He hurried with the task of removing his trousers with a sheepish smile, attempting to be smooth and graceful but messing it up by eagerness and anxiety. Andraste's knickers when did it get so difficult to remove a pair of trousers?

Eventually after some mistakes they joined the pile on the floor to be picked up later as the two were to preoccupied exploring each other with their eyes.

Turns out that Anders wasn't all that bad down south.

Not huge but a rather lovely size.

"I have sheepskin condoms in the drawer right to the-"

"No need."He breathed as he coaxed her legs open with his hands rubbing her thighs. Anders was finally returning to his old self a bit.

"Grey wardens have a low fertility rate."Anders reminded although the healer in him lectured and nagged, but allowed desire to overtake it. Justice wasn't pleased with it.

Anders inched forward unsurely with his stomach in knots before feeling a wet entrance and then with a firm grip on her knees, pressed in.

He was far to old for this. That grey warden stamina? Total bullshit. He was tired, sweaty, out of breath, and his back hurt.

And maker, Hawke didn't lack in stamina. This is what he got for dating someone fifteen years his junior. At least her breasts were perky and they were fun to watch while she bounced.

Anders errupted in her with a groan and clentched jaw and finally Hawke gave up on seeking her own peek and laid beside him after letting him finish. It was a shame, he could be a bed breaking lover, but he really was growing older. Soon enough she'd mellow to his level, even if she did love her sex drive.

TAnders picked up on. It just felt lately like it all had been so disappointing. Either him too tired to continue, or her too extreme with high expectations. And there was a growing irritation between the two.

On more than one occasion after an tiresome day at the clinic that began at the early hours of the morning, Hawke would insist on sex as so as he arrived home, stripping him down and having her way with him as he struggled to stay awake. Justice was amused by her attempts though, it was almost as if he was able to make Anders tired for revenge.

Anders couldn't help but feel bitter.

If she wanted a young fit partner with stamina, why didn't she invite Fenris or Sebastian in her bed? He was sure Sebastian had a lot of pent up sexual frustration and Fenris a matching warrior stamina.

Hawke failed to take notice of his growing age and lack of sleep, putting personal want ahead.

She took it as a personal attack, often storming out of their bedroom in a huff because of whatever he had said and how it embellished in her head.

All her lovers had been so eager and so passionate, and furious, perhaps it was time for Hawke to realize that there was a time and a place and unlike Isabela, Anders did believe in love making?

The tension began to rush in the room as both of them laid naked fuming about the issue and trying to address the issue. Hawke only compromised for her benefit and Anders was a man of no compromise, this wouldn't end well yet they both decided to speak with Hawke taking the liberty to start.

"Was it not good?"She started, trying to find a level before jumping into the fight that'd ensue.

"No no! It's just that...sweetheart, have I ever told you how old I am?"Anders questioned as he took her hand.

"Answering a question with a question,"She muttered in her sarcastic glory. "No you haven't."

Anders knew she didn't have knowledge of his age but yet he asked just hoping that for some reason she knew but never brought it up. Not for the petty reason of number more then a reminder of the years left. It couldn't be long now before he had to leave her for death.

"Forty one. Fifteen years your senior Marian. Men at forty one typically have a child who's in adolescence or nearing it."He drawled out as she watched him cooly as she often did anything.

"I'm not in the best shape...I'm not up for midnight romps like you are. I am flattered you want to though. It isn't bad on the ego, I just hardly sleep with all the work and then Justice has been-"A sharp pain hit his temple for warning and Anders grit his jaw to block the whimper that'd concern Hawke.

She smirked in amusement before rolling onto him with a wild eyed grin. The wind was knocked out of Anders at the shock of sudden weight on him. Maker did she ever have selective hearing.

"Have you ever considered your last years with me?" Hawke was running her hands on his chest, working up to his shoulders which she rubbed. She knew what was on his mind, over the years he became an open book to her or rather so she thought.

Anders laid in silence considering the question. It wasn't that easy to answer...when they had first started their relationship, he was certain that they'd marry and move back to Fereldine, somewhere in the mountains, but that wasn't a thought that he entertained now.

He loved Hawke without a doubt but he had to fight. He couldn't turn so blindly only for selfishness.

"Marian I..."He was about to tell her it wasn't possible to think that way, that to even consider it was dangerous, but then she looked at him anticipating the same response she had wanted to hear.

"I had thought about it yes, but then, where would it land the mages? Further oppression and heartache? In a hundred years, a thousand, a man like me will love someone like you, and if I keep fighting for these rights we're deprived of, he'll be able to find his happy ending."Anders tried to explain with a sinking feeling in his gut as the joy and excitement dancing in her eyes slowly faded.

"Ah well yes...just a question..."She lied feigning normality and slid her robe on.

A/n: Eee! This was my first fanfic, I admit I'm a bit nervous about it...

I think I'm the only one who likes old man Anders, but for me, the way he always complained reminded me of an old fart so I thought, might as well!

Besides, later on it's largely going to come into play and I think it's suiting.


	2. Chapter 2

Hawke could clearly in her mind remember the scariest fight she had to conquer.

Anders had come in at exactly two thirty smelling like cheap whiskey and tobacco and vomited on the floor. His jacket had been the bearer of the smell and Anders discarded it at the bedroom door.

This made Hawke sick herself with the overwhelming mixture to the point that she thought her dinner was going to come up as she pulled all his weight up while he remains as a heap of a man.

His cries startled her already, but it was easily dismissed as a drunken stupor until he gripped her nightgown so fiercely that his hands shook.

Anders buried his face in between her breasts and let out long ragged sobs and nearly ripped the fabric with his fingernails.

Her name was repeated in a chant and in response, she soothingly hummed from her chest as she ran her long fingers through his knotted and tangled hair.

He found some stable comfort in this, appreciating the deep vibrations and warmth of her heartbeat, it was enough of distractions to make those thoughts start to fade. But he knew she wouldn't be the solution. The only solution was clear, but he wouldn't dare share it. No, those were his thoughts to haunt him. Not hers. And she'd too willingly take on those burdens for him. Or even worse that she'd leave. That someone else could take his place or in the next minute end up being him.

Hawke's finger's moved to his arms, rubbing his shoulder blades and biceps with her thumbs in a circular motion until they moved to his forearm. Her hand was jolted back in disgust as it reopened a once unknown wound and the thick blood stained her sheets and gown. A gasp escaped her mouth and Anders groaned, rolling further away and burying his arm underneath him.

Hawke hurried herself with the task of lighting a candle for clarity as the sun had not peaked yet.

Anders groaned again as his head spun with an empty dull ache and he nuzzled his face into the pillow to escape the light that his eyes didn't adjust to.

Hawke felt the rage made out of worry raise throughout her stomach as she attempted to take his arm out from under him where the stench of blood joined the rest of scents Anders had invited into their chambers.

He resisted and let out a predatory growl, jerking his wrist away that she had just got a hold of.

"Anders."She returned the growl and with a sharp force that made him howl in pain, his wrist was in her grasp.

The word 'Justice' was carved in as a fresh wound with a dagger to which blood eagerly oozed out of. Fear shook Hawke's very core as she remained in silence, just holding his arm as she attempted to gain understanding of a situation that even Anders didn't.

"Write vengeance on your right arm and you'll match them up."She jested although her voice was unstable. Anders grunted.

"It's a reminder..."He muttered sleepily trying to ignore the sting that happened everytime she ran her thumb over the soon to be scared flesh.

"You fool..."She cupped his face with her other hand."I know you're insane, please don't go through something like this to reaffirm it."She added another attempt to humour with a shake of her head.

"Justice...is not insane..."He breathed with his voice seething through breathy gasps of pain.

"It is your fear of me. The templars fear of I, the mage that is insane. It's ignorance and the people who live in ignorance are the ones who are insane."His eyes opened as he said that and for a second he thought he could see something flash by her face but it remained unmoved and untouched by his speech.

Hawke rose from her knees to receive the gauges she kept in a chest to apply pressure and cover the wound.

"It's a shame..."She spoke as softly as he had ever heard.

"I really liked those sheets. I just hope you didn't stain the mattress."Anders scoffed at her lack of care to the cause he'd willingly die for.

But it wasn't that she didn't care. No. She cared more than she could possibly express and it hurt how much she did care. It was her fear of loosing him that drove it, to loosing him to a cause that one man couldn't possibly fix. Yet he insisted on taking all the weight of the mages, and that passion that once drove her crazy with lust had been replaced with pure crazy love. It was more than just saying it now.

After he was tended to, Hawke returned to bed where she hugged him tightly and finally Anders responded, kissing her forehead and the top of her head rapidly, continuing to try and escape. To kiss the sour memories away. But they still burned in the back of her mind an were engraved there to stay.

But her arms were so safe, and so comforting. Perhaps it was safe to speak.

"I don't remember how it all exactly started, but do you remember last night when I left bed?"

"Eh, not quite. I was up at the mountains that day so I was pretty tired."

"Well I had this awful dream, that mages were being forced to line up like cattle for slaughter. It was all so real and all I could see was that girl...the one I nearly killed. So I went downstairs for some scotch to calm my nerves. It just felt like I was slipping away, like Justice was taking over. I...we decided that there could be no compromise..."Anders trailed off and laid his head in her lap.

"So I took the liquor and Justice and I hid out in the gallows. We watched."Anders wanted so desperately to tell her the rest, to maybe put an end to his thoughts.

"After awhile it went bad, we disagreed on a lot of things...one of them being you. He didn't want me to go home, but I fought. Believe me sweetheart, I fought and won. Half the battle. I had been holding him back so long that finally I couldn't handle it and he took over. He wanted to show who came first. Not you. I just remember watching and not even feeling. Then he left and the pain hit me all at once. I tried to get to a chamberpot but everything was such a blur..."He finished his story with a yawn and glanced up at her.

"Sleep darling."Was all she responded with and laid a kiss on his pounding temple.

"Oh and Anders,"Hawke looked down at him with her eyes narrowed."If you or Justice summoned a blood demon and I find it in my study, I will be seriously pissed."

I'm going through all romance companions and writing them all fanfics like this, if you guys want one in particular let me know. Also, what do you think of a Hawke and Anders secret wedding~?


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